1.3 - Smooth Criminal

Last time at shitty shack de la Hex, Anais was freed from the spell of the Batterwitch, and the household received some new additions in the form of the deep fryer and ice-cream maker, who I’m sure Sims would have relationship bars with if they could. (Heaven knows what would happen with a Simbot). There were also some birthdays, just for the record.

Gryffindor: ‘I evolved.’

Yes. Into the Stig.

I don’t know how he manages this, though, unless that helmet has some kind of semi-permeable membrane.

‘I’m the Stig, bitch. Don’t ask questions.’

Elsewhere in the kitchen, even Phoenix has been lured in my the fryer’s siren song, even though every time he uses it, a Ugandan baby is probably forced to kill its entire family.

‘Ah, my lovely. That I may serenade thee with a tune, so thou dost enkindle thine fruits to my tongue?’

‘Precious… yes, come to me, precious. Precious, my precious!’

I think he just misses roleplaying.

Ew, but seriously, what is that?! It’s supposed to be a fritter or something, but it really looks more like a haggis to me.

Having lost her study buddy to the slutty wilderness of story progression teenager-hood, I found Dusk a new little boyfriend – Hey, what’s the matter, Dusk?'

‘It’s just not the same.’

But look at Tam, he’s cute, right? And he’s wearing that sweet little fairy outfit of his own accord. You don’t want that loser Moses.

‘He’s Unlucky, for your information. And speak for yourself, Loser girl.’

Fine, don’t listen to me. Don’t be surprised if he’s knocked up though.

And then she proceeded to cycle up freaking Baldwin Street to get to his house. Girl has some serious leg strength. At least she’s not going down it in a wheelbarrow, completely off her face. >_>

‘Moses! Moses, I’m here!’

‘Oh, uh, hi Dusk!’

'Moses! I came all the way to see you! The hill was really big and scary, but it was okay when I shut my eyes and pretended I couldn’t go over the edge.’

‘Aw, Dusk. That was really sweet. But um, you shouldn’t be running around town at night. I’d um, I’d worry about you.’

‘But Moses. I was seeing all these pop-ups about you and the yucky Bayless girl. I was so scared, Moses! I don’t like her!’

‘Oh, Jennifer. Well you see Dusk, it’s uh, a well known fact that girls like Jennifer just want attention. She’s a, um…’

‘Inbred bitchskank?’

‘Oh um, sure – Wait, who did you hear that from?!’

‘Oh, Mummy uses all sorts of big words for the Bayless family. But this means we’re still best friends, right?’

‘Oh Dusk, is that all you were worried about?’

‘So we are?’

‘Of course we are!’

Dusk: That’s right, Jennifer. You saw that pop-up, didn’t you? Hands off my man, bitchskank.

‘You…’

n00b walls-down shot: ‘I speak for myself.’

‘I WANNA TAKE YOU TO A GAY BAR.’

I don’t actually know what’s going on here...

On to something more relevant!

‘Twas the afternoon before prom, and I send the boys to capture girls outside of school, via the ‘Do Homework With…’ action, since I don’t see how I’m supposed to get them steady girlfriends before then, without letting both their grades and motives slip. The girl sitting down beside Phoenix is Gina Louie, who I have chosen as a marriageable desirable specimen for Phoens.

‘I don’t understand, though. Is it not explicitly clear, that I am not passed my infatuation with Ashley? Why can’t I ask her, fruitless though it may be?

About Ashley.

‘Yeah, you know what? You were right, Gina is a much better choice.’

Gina, however, chose that moment to become uninteractible and head off the lot, presumably to a gay rights support rally. Though why Lunar Lakes would need a gay rights movement, I don’t know. Seeing as the gender preference of the entire town is set to ‘bisexual’ via Master Controller, there wouldn’t really be such a thing as sexual minorities, would there? Sim logic.

I had my eye on this Alto chick over here, for Gryffin. He ended up having similar luck, though, since she took off as soon as I freed her from the homework command. Does no one want a date around here? >:

‘Isn’t it obvious? We’re all just scared of being married into a legacy house.’

And then everyone came back to school because it was time for prom.

‘I don’t want to be here. I just want dinner.’

Yeah, me too.

‘Oh God oh God, don’t let them see me oh God.’

The Hex brothers are the least of your worries. Go near Jennifer at any point during this evening and I will very much so take matters into my own hands.

*sniffle* ‘Nobody asked me to the dance. It’s not fair! Why do boys never notice me?’

‘Grin and bear it Phoenix, grin and bear it.’

And then there was prom, for which I took a bunch of screenies, and then lost them all. The long and short of it was that both boys cared fuckall for my arranged marriages romantic plans for them, being that Gryffindor hooked up with Gina, while Phoenix got hot with a guy named Cletus. Guess the thing with Ashley really put him off girls for good, huh? Or he’s doing it for ironic purposes. Who knows.

Have a picture of Dusk being cute, instead.

‘Hehe!’

‘Did my incredibly highly-strung little sister just enjoy something that is both extremely precarious and dangerous? Voluntarily? What is life?’

Yup. And, nice package, by the way.

Oh God. Did I seriously just say a Sim has a nice package?

What is wrong with me.

‘So like, dude, bring your little mans and let’s party like it isn’t Sunday.’

And then I threw a party. Because Fabian and Anais had been on vacation since Thursday, and then they got back on the Saturday on which I had planned to throw a teen party, and I felt cheated.

I never actually ended up taking any photos though, because apart from the usual accidental humping that happens around doorways, so little of entertainment value happened, that it went from being just a piss-poor party to an autonomous homework session.

Anais:’Well, actually I’m working on a dirty novel here. Just bouncing ideas off the kids.’

Kristen: ‘Oh God, this is the legacy house, isn’t it?’

Hey… I hear that music? What’s going on? Gryffindor?! D:

‘I smell death…’

Grim: ‘Oh wow, sorry about that. I’ve just been off the clock lately, haven’t had a chance to shower. This town has just been dropping like flies lately, I swear.’

‘No worries man. Who are you here for today? Dad try to fly again?’

‘Oh no no, I’ll be there in due time for you Hexes, but you’re all sitting pretty for now.’

‘Mongrel! Your time cometh! Now, thou dost bow before death’s hallowed messenger.’

Kristen: ‘Is that really necessary? I don’t think dogs understand Olde Englishe.’

‘It’s just a formality. The underworld are real sticklers for that shit.’

‘But yeah, you know what? This is stupid. Come here widdle doggy woggy nooboo schnookums.’

Stray Dog: ‘Help me, child.’

‘Yes, that’s right. You want to come with Grimmy to Doggy Underworld, don’t you? Don’t you widdle cuddly wuddly doggy woggy.’

‘I… I… please give me some space. I must, I must…’

*SWOON*

‘Et tu, Bruti…?’

‘…Ok, I’m good now.’

Grim: 'FLY DOGGY, FLYYY.'

‘Oh wait…’

She queued up the ‘Pass Out’ action twice as soon as Grim came on the scene. Coward Sims.

What’s everyone up for in the middle of the night? What’s going on?

‘Burglar. Fabian smell burglar. Fabian PROTECT. Fabian protect FAMILY.’

It isn’t like you to express such a need for violence, but sure, have at him.

‘Fabian smell burglar. Yes, burglar smell very strong here.’

Just as well our good felon here wasn’t the brightest bulb in the box either; he stood there, very considerately waiting for the entire household to wake up to his presence.

‘DURR I’M A BURRGLUR.’

‘BURGLAR. FABIAN FOUND BURGLAR.’

‘BURGLAR FOUND FABIAN FIRST!’

So it turns out.

As it turns out, Fabian is bested both intellectually and physically by Mr. Hamburgler here. I never promised my founder would have a lot going for him. :/

‘OW BUTTHURT.’

‘But the butthurt ruse was a DISTACTION! FABIAN SMASH!'

‘i HAVE the burglar.’

Yes. I missed the key shot, for I am stupid.

Policewoman: ‘lol hi. i caem 2 get ur burlgla.’

And then our burglar proceeded to have his arse kicked not once, but twice in a row, by a hippie on heat and a policewoman speaking lolcat.

‘k nao u go 2 the CAR that i HAVE. brb, house survey.’

Burglar: ‘I’ve been a bad burglar, haven’t I? A very bad burglar…’

‘Work fifteen hours and whaddaya get, parents sell you to Paris Hilton…’

'Well Ma’am, I’ve surveyed your house thoroughly, and…’

‘I don’t want to alarm you, but…’

‘I love pink!’

‘Oh sweetheart, that's wonderful. We'll have you counting to potato in no time at all.'

'Haha, your husband is sleeping. That's funny.'

'Hah, that is pretty funny. And he's dreaming of science! What a nerd.'

Says the woman who wrote a trashy novel called 'Buckets'.

that's the last reference, i promise.