The Hex Rainbowcy: July 2012

Hello there, Grim. Still sticking that scythe in inappropriate places, I see?

Grim: 'Shut up, I don't have a lot of control over where this thing goes - OH GOD DAMNIT.'

It's just another day, really.

As it is when your legacy children opt to take the sadistic route home from school every day. (i.e. risking their lives in the hands of someone who clearly thinks they are Ms. Frizzle)

Bus Driver: 'Now I'm *hic* at the shchool. Now I'm at the bush shtop. They shaid I couldn' *hic* do it. Jush watsh me. Jutsh you *hic* watsh me.'

Crush: 'Grandma, I hate school. The only reason I go is to feed the janitor's cat and occasionally sniff if profusely.'

Anais: 'Then drop out, m'dear.'

Crush: 'What, no! You're supposed to tell me to stay in school. I need encouragement here!'

Anais: 'Well, if it's going to stop you coming home smelling of kitty litter, then I'm all for you staying away from that place.'

Crush: 'Screw you.'

Anais: 'Now girl, there's no need to get pussy with me - I mean, pissy! Hoo hee hoo!'

Crush: 'I hate you, Grandma.'

Fearful that his daughter would start coughing up hairballs, under the stress of schoolwork and his obtusely senile Mother-in-Law, Moses took his underage daughter out to a seedy downtown bar, as you do.

Moses: 'We would like, uh, two alcoholic beverages. We intend to become, uh, very intoxicated tonight.'

Crush: 'No one, must ever know of this.'

Bartender: 'Well uh, Sir, we have quite a few "alcoholic beverages". Please, take your pick!'

Crush: 'Just get a ginger beer. And me, I'll have your strongest whiskey, thanks.'

Moses: 'Yes, uh, ginger beer! I am a most frequent imbiber, of um, the ginger beer.'

Crush: 'Calm down, Dad.'

Moses: 'Well, Crush, I do hope you will enjoy this evening out with your old man. I believe I can show you a thing or two about a uh, "riotous time".'

Crush: 'Aww, c'mon Daaaddy. You really think this is my firsh time on the pish? Cad ladies start early, mhm. Got a liver to ruin here.'

Moses: 'Well, I uh, wasn't aware of that as a parent.'

Crush: 'Gawd, dish tashtes like shit. Bah so good, oh my Gah.'

Moses: 'Crush, should I uh, be concerned as a parent?'

Crush: 'I think you should dansh, mishter.'

Moses: 'I'm not sure Crush, this is uh, making me sort of self-conscious.'

Crush: 'I don' know why yur so self-conshits er whatever. The only person what's watshing is the fashe one bartender wench over there.'

Crush: 'Whatever man, 'cause you know what, I love you anyway. You shcaredy piece a catshit.'

Moses: 'Should I, uh, be feeling the effects of the "ginger beer" by now?'

Crush: 'Oh man, you're so fuhnee. Here, try something a 'lil stronger.'

Moses: 'What is, um, this, Crush?'

Crush: 'Iss jus' a 'lil wicked Scottish elixirs is all. Sprout fuckin' leprechauns from your eyelids.'

Moses: 'Oh, uh, I see.'

Crush: 'Yesh, now drink up, buster.'

Moses: 'You're right! This stuff is great, why didn't I try it before?'

Crush: 'Gawsh, even that shtupid stutter is gone. We shad get you pished more often, Daddy. This been a blast.'

Moses: 'See! What did I tell you? Your old man CAN teach you a thing or two about a "riotous time".'

Crush: 'You know, Daddy. I would love to continue thish impurtant convershashun with you, but I'm am really fuckin' hungry.'

And then Crush got pizza, and it stabbed her directly through her knuckles. It was horribly traumatic.

Crush: 'Dad, promish me we'll do thish again. I rearry like you when you're not sober and a pusshy. Hehe, pusshy.' *hic*

Moses: 'Well, that's lovely dear. But I really think we should get you home and sobered up.'

Crush: 'Well dish ish all your fuckin' fault for mentionin' sober. My body don't like the word, shtupid.'

Moses: 'C'mon, Crush. Let's get home before the sunrises.'

Crush: 'Oh, like you don't want an excushe to see your gross, dead buttbuddy again. I wouldn't hit that with a dead cat.'

Spoiler: He found another excuse.

TT: 'Daddy, why ya such a goddamn dessert for the Grim Reaper? Can't ya just fuck normal guys, and not dead ones?'

Moses: 'I uh, don't anticipate my children asking any questions even vaguely sensitive to the subject, nor do I have the emotional capabilities to comprehend or answer them. Also, I have no idea how my daughter came to be speaking like a prohibition-era Italian gangster, having no-one of Mediterranean descent or cultural upbringing within the household.'

Enough of lame yucky parent stuff. Kid spam, yes? Yes.

Also, why do I have a treehouse on a second-story deck? BECAUSE MOVEOBJECTS ON IS WHY.

Snooki: 'Yes, the most gallant sailor, Captain Hex addresses the Seven Seas with but his lowly ship and long-seer's device. How fine the ocean, she does look today.'

Snooki: 'Yes, from his most spectacular vantage point, the long-seer's device can zone in on all sorts of goings-on. Particularly those involving gratuitous fellatio with Death himself. Yes, indeed. I think I might go throw up my childhood now, if you'll excuse me.'

And then I sent him catacomb spelunking to take his mind off things.

TT, meanwhile, was bustin' the moves with a potential future spouse, by the name of Alphonse Schlick.

TT: 'NOW I AIN'T SAYIN' SHE A GOLDDIGGER.'

Now I ain't sayin' that's age appropriate. Or appropriate for anyone really, that's a pretty damn explicit song. Catchy, though.

TT: 'Ehh, he's weak on the high notes. Plus, you're never gonna get anywhere in those shorts, kid.'

Alphonse: 'WELL I'M VERY FOND OF MY SHORTS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.' *does something inappropriate behind the screen*

Back at home, Crush has decided to host a party in the bathroom. Because why make use of a large, parentless house, and its entertainment facilities when you can amuse and delight your friends with a broken shower and toxic-sludge encrusted toilet seat?

No wonder I only took one photo of it. It was undoubtedly a really crappy party. Shitty pun, right there. And another. Double pun execution, right on.

Belisama: 'I enjoyed the party.'

Get out of the shot, Belisama.

Down at the graveyard, the horrors of the day (the least of which was his catacomb expedition), triggered a growth spurt, and the inevitable return of Wacky Waving Inflatable Tube Man Limb Syndrone.

Snooki: 'I'M IN TERRIBLE PAIN.'

He grew up a um... well shit, I forgot. Wait no, it was Frugal, I *think*. Who cares, you'll see him in better light soon. Hopefully.

Snooki: 'Hehe, you have an outie belly button, Mummy.'

Dusk: 'Don't you try that on me, young man. You are in BIG trouble.'

Dusk: 'How DARE you bear witness to your sister's crappy toilet party. Did you even stop to consider what a bunch of teenagers could have done to a bathroom in which most of the items were already as broken as possible? Did somewhere between your confusion in being hit like a train by puberty and the horror of seeing what Death does with your father, did you think about how this might effect us as a family? Hm?'

Snooki: 'I... I...'

Dusk: 'Hm? HM?!'

Snooki: 'Please don't drink my blood, Mummy.'

Dusk: 'I am frightened by my own anger.'

Dusk: 'So much so, that I will continue to be happy while scolding my own daughter! Yay, happiness. Sunshine and ponies!'

The rest of the household, while not having gotten botox, continue to have problems of their own.

TT: 'And I don't get into bed for nothing or nobody. And any bed that wants to try otherwise gonna' get roughed up.'

Whaat? How did this happen?!

Moses: 'Please, um, excuse Crush. We're taking her to the vet this afternoon for a possible spraying problem. Snooki, well, um, he doesn't have an excuse.'

Snooki: 'IT'S GETTING AWAY! Help me, Crush!'

As for Anais...

Anais: 'Who painted these damn doorframes, anyway? What are we, the Oreo factory?'

Anais: 'Oh well, you can call me a hypocrite, 'cause I sure am sparkling like one.'

Snooki: 'BOOHOO GRANDMA WHYY.'

Anais: 'Stop crying. boy. Now that I'm gone, you're going to need a new man of the house. And it's going to be your younger sister if you don't zip up.'

Grim: 'Well hello again, Mister. Someone's eager today - OH, uh, heh-hm. Uh, hi Anais.'

Anais: 'Well, you managed to make this even more awkward than I anticipated.'

Grim: 'Well, then it's best we get on with this, don't you think?'

Anais: 'Agreed, most heartily.'

Grim: 'Righty ho, then. Anais Hex, get the hell in your grave. Ominous Latin verses and so forth.'

Anais: 'With pleasure. Fabian, here I come.'

Grim: 'Okay, we're done here. Enjoy your dead Grandma, kids.'

Snooki: 'I CAN REMEMBER HER BY THE TASTE OF HER ASHES.' *inhale*

Dusk: 'DAMMIT, SNOOKI DON'T EAT THAT!'

Anais Hex went out, having completed her LTW and all of the Skill Challenges associated with it. She made some cute kids, a terrible Grandmother, and left me a surprisingly nice little urn. RIP, dear, ~~sweet~~ Anais.