1.1 - I See Red, I See Red, I See Red

No regard for childhood innocence? Yep, this looks to be about the right legacy.

Fabian and Anais: *continue sucking face*

Moving on.

'WAAH I'M A TODDLER AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY TORTURED SOUL.'

Shut up already. You're a toddler. Toddlers don't have tortured souls.

'Scroll back up, why don't you?'

Oh. Oh right.

'Hey Phoens, come look. Your baby brother's growing up!'

'Hush. You're not of immediate priority, mother.'

It's just as well he didn't look, because Gryffindor grew up into some sort of hair demon from Japanese folk lore.

 He did turn out pretty cute though, after his mother had slain the demon, and given him some sort of awful bob cut. Pity he's a Fabian clone. :/

Nevertheless, Anais loves her son even with his jack shit chance of being heir, and sets about preparing for his future, like a true mother. Because kids, YOUR FUTURE STARTS AT POTTY TRAINING.

'Eh... can we hurry this up? I've reeally got to fart.'

While we're on the subject of toddler skilling, this is why Phoenix is going to grow up badly.

'Ok, so like, Little Sprout. I'm gonna teach you how to walk. 'Cause like, toddlers can't drive, man.'

'How about no.'

'Okay so like, I'm just gonna like, stand you up here, Sprout, and like...'

'I said no.'

'...And I'm gonna like, stand over here...'

'NO.'

 'And you're gonna like, come to me, Little Sprout!'

'It's not happening.'

'Aww, c'mon.'

'NO FATHER.'

'He didn't want cuddles man, and he really didn't want snuggles.'

'WAHHH I REJECT YOUR CUDDLES AND SNUGGLES! REJECT!'

'What I do wrong, man, what I do wrong...'

Poor Fab, just can't catch a break with the fam bam, can you?

'So babe, I'm gonna like, try making carbonara. I promise not to like, burn down the house this time. You want some?'

'Eh... no thanks, I'm just fine with my...'

'...Pancake batter and cereal.'

Anais has gotten rather attached to the batter, lately.

So attached, that - okay, seriously, what the fuck are you doing?

'Just adding a bit of, y'know... flavour.'

...

'Mm-hm. Looks good.'

I know pregnant women are supposed to have weird cravings, but THIS is ridiculous.

' I... I don't know what to think of what I have just seen.'

It's okay. You're not alone. *pets slowly*

'Okay Phoens, let's get you to do what daddy couldn't get you to!'

'Oh God. She surely doesn't intend to...'
'Here sweetie, grab a hold of the bowl while I...'

'OH GOD OH GOD DON'T LET IT TOUCH ME OH GOD.'

'Well Phoens, I didn't want to do this, but, if you're not going to hold the bowl...

'WHA-'

'Then the bowl is going to have to hold you!'

'NO NO WHAT THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.'

Bad Anai! No resorting to Sim family violence! Only I'm allowed to do that. D:

'Relax, I'm just teaching the child a healthy lesson in respect. Respect for the BOWL.'

'See? Look at how much fun he's having. You love playing with Mr. Bowl, right? Right Phoens?'

'HELP ME OH GOD HELP ME.'

.__. Please just take the thing out of his lower intestines.

And where is the father in all of this, you say?

'Maan, this stuff is INTENSE.'

Relax, you're just growing up.

'So I got like, an idea, right? For a song like, about this chick named Lucy...'

No, I do not care about how much you like John Lennon. You are NOT keeping that hair.

'Talk about like, ruining my vibe man.'

Aww. He looks so old and sad.

'I had a baby while you were watching my husband sparkle.'

Well, to be fair, you were sparkling too. But hey, new baby! Maybe you'll leave that pancake batter alone now.

'Nope.' *takes batter to bed*

Oh well.

Anyway, the new baby's name is Dusk; she's a virtuous Couch Potato and this is her room.

And an overview of the updated house.

'And make sure to take note of me, being so very cute in the toybox. Aren't I just adorable and worthy of attention?'

Yes yes, moving along-

'SO VERY ADORABLE, RIGHT? RIGHT?!'

There, you got some toddler spam. Happy now?

'You just wait. You just wait until I can wield firearms.'

What a pity you can't wield firearms at the omniscient. Also, the Sims is PG 15.

'Wait... what were we talking about again? I have a feeling I should be pissed at you.'

Never mind your absent. Besides, your brother's doing something cute and interesting.

'At last! The motor skills with which to truly express my anguished soul!'

'You let my mother cut my hair, didn't you?'

Sorry about that.

There we go. Phoenix became a snob, by the way. I swear that kid just gets more hipster with age.

 Yep. I'm pretty sure he's mostly Anais. Time will tell.

In the meantime, there are kingdoms to rule.

'Yes, that's right. Cameras over here.'

'Citizens of the Rainbow Kingdom! Come forth into the bosom of your Red King! *derps out*

'For with my leadership, we will overcome the tyranny, that disregards our preferred colours, and instead enforces a single-colour dictatorship upon our homes, in a mindless display of bad taste.'

It's only your home, just sayin'.

'Guards! *claps hands* Take her away!'

Your dictator doesn't partake in roleplaying schemes, only narration. Soz.

'Why do you have to be such a spoilsport?'

Because I'm the SimGod, and that's what I do, mon.

'Aww. His hopes and dreams are being crushed by the Narrator! My little boy is growing up.'

Hey you, drop The Adventures of Raymundo and get back to the writing tablet.

'No.'

'Yes mother. Rebel! REBEL.'

'WAHH MY FACETIME GOT STOLEN. Hey bitch, where'd it go, huh?'

Your brother got it. Talk to him about it.

'Uuug, brother.'

'What? What do you want, Gryffindor?'

*sniffle* 'I want...'

'TO SCREAM AT YOU WAAAAAAHRRHHR.'

'ARGH! God, shut UP! This is why I hate my parents.'

'The just never stop making these things.'

And then Phoenix rolled a wish to be friends with Fabian.

'So, Father...'

'Why do you like gardening?'

'It seems a rather mundane occupation. A superficial trophy of the suburban family unit.'

'Duude. Those windows man, so intense.'

'I mean, of what use is a garden? Merely to stimulate small talk at a dinner party, really.'

 Fabian: *mesmerised by window*

'Well, I suppose vegetables are of some sort of value.'

'You could say, by growing vegetables, you are in defiance of the corporations. The corporations will eat your puppies if you're not careful.'

'Son, I like baths.'

'Baths are just like, the best.'

They are bonding.

Next day, Phoenix had his first day at school.

'I distrust this man.'

Trust me, you're more safe inside the bus than you are outside. Except if a car drives through you. So many needless deaths. ;_;

This is the school, by the way. In fact, all the rabbitholes look like this, except for the science lab. Trust me, Lunar Lakes and its entire design are rad, but I wish they could have put in a bit of effort to make the outside s pretty.

I will end this chapter abruptly with a picture of Fabian crying over a dead plant.

'It's okay, *sniffle* Mr. Grapevine is in berry heaven now...'

Or, you know. In the trash.