2.5 - What's With the Bats?

Sorry for the stupidly long wait. I had exams, and then I was lazy as fuck, pretty much. On with the show!

'Sorry, uh. Can I call you back later?'

'I'm sorry, I thought we agreed to stop at three children for this generation?'

We did. D:

'Cause that ain't labour pain.

'Oh. Oh dear.'

'Tell my family... that I'm ashamed of them.'

Oopsie.

'Hey there you hot mess - oh.'

'GAAY.'

'Real sensitive, man.'

'Dusk Hex! I commit thee spirit to the underworld, at which you may purchase tapes of the dirty things I do to your husband at your nearest video store, under the franchise 'Death and the Shota'. Now be banished, for eternity!'

'But before you go, check out dat ass. Mmhm.'

And thus was the death of Dusk Hex.

'Excuse me Mr., but do you have park consent for this?'

'Are you fucking...'

'What is with this guy?'

'KIDDING ME.'

'Um sir, I asked a simple question.'

'I'LL LET YOU KNOW THAT I'M THE GRIM REAPER AND...'

And then he proceeded to have the underworld version of That Rant, and pulled some rubbish out of his ass to drop on the ground. What a dick move

R.I.P. Dusk Hex, you went early, but completed your L.T.W. in good time and left me a nice little grave.

Back at the house, things had begun to fall apart in the wake of the demise of their beloved matriarch.

'IT CAN'T BE! THE CRUEL HAND OF FATE HATH TAKEN OUR MASSAGE CHAIR FROM US.'

Sigh.

'What's that punk kid doin' here? I'm gonna step on his face if he's still blockin' the steps when I come back.'

IDK. There are a lot of creepy-looking vampire kids running about, thanks to weird Bridgeport genetics.

'Well I want him outta tha yard so I can have an emotional breakdown.'

'YES. CRY. IT PLEASES ME TO SEE YOUR MENTAL VULNERABILITIES.'

It pleases me to check you off the mental marriageable list.

'MAMAAA.'

Poor girl. Now get back indoors.

Moses, where are you going in that adorkable little buggy so late at night?

'Well, uh, according to the next few photos, I'm going to the science lab.'

What for? 

'I uh, don't know. Something to do with uh, all the odious sound effects coming from the inside of this rabbit hole, maybe?'

Oh, right. And then missed the shot of him taking a swig.

'I'm feeling...'

'EXTREMELY CONSTIPATED...'

'BATS UP IN MA FACE, BITCH.'

Some captions are just worth a moment of OOC for.

'I feel, uh... fine.'

'OH, MY BELOVED WIFE.'

Good to know that you'll get upset about her, now that the chair's fixed.

'Is that bitch uh, ever gonna get us to the damn station already?'

Oh yeah, TT pranked the school and got caught.

Police Officer: 'But I must... WALL.'

Of course you must.

'I don't care if you're completely, uh, washed up and old, you'll always, um, be a star to me.'

'The biggest on the earth, uh, in my eyes.'

'Oh Moses! You're the first person to accept me for who I truly am.'

'Hehe... boobs.'

Now that Dusk is dead, I can schmooze other celebrities for points without reparations. No apologies.

Snooki also decided to grow up that night.

'I'm going to become a man now.' :D

'BEHOLD, manliness.'

Just give it a minute. Intermission to watch said manly-man's father smooching up another woman days after his mother's death is go.

*elevator music playing*

There we go. Pretty cute, but he could have been a better mix. So you know what that means...

''It means it's uh, time to celebrate my rugged looks, right?'

Oh dear. Middle-age really hit you hard, huh?

TT: 'Ha, you're old.'

Dusk! How 'bout some ghostly birthday sex to cheer up your old husband, uh?

'What a majestic steed...'

'Oh. My husband. Yes, I like him. Hello there, husband.'

'Yes, good.'

'I can't um, get to the sex because there's uh, a ghost in my bed.'

DFHTHFHG WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE YOUR SEX LIVES SO DIFFICULT.

'Sorry, I've uh, never kissed a ghost before.'

'What? You'd rather kiss a living girl? Is that what you're saying?!'

'No, no , uh-'

'Are you sure? This is very-'

'MMPH'

'Oh Moses, it's just like I remember. Take me, now.'

By the looks of that hand, he's already halfway there. :/

'No, no. That's uh, not how you do it. Try coming in from the other side.'

'Funny how it's usually me saying that to you, dear.'

So Moses never got his ghostly birthday sex.

There were, however two other household members that DID get lucky. Expect kittens. :D

A couple of days later, a birthday party was thrown for Tiger Tiger. Her siblings came, along with a couple of uninvited guests who turn up whenever they want, and always for the free booze.

'Don't expect me to ever change out of this nightgown, either.'

The family then proceeded to assemble for a synchronised ghost gross-out. Clearly, the Illuminati is at work here.

Nevertheless, we will try to make things work between these two again. 'Cause Moses gotta want to WooHoo that won't go away.

In the shower that is, because apparently watery ghost sex is more permeable than regular ghost sex. Such is Sim life.

And of course his daughter would grow up while Moses was getting some, at least with his wife this time. Although infidelity is probably a lot less immoral than necrophilia for that matter.

'Um, who cares. I'm not done gettin' hot.'

'Seriously though, uh, what's wit all the bats and shit?'

AND NOW FOR: shittycliffhanger.exe

Goodnight everybody.

2.4 - Failure in the Family

Now... who is the smoking hot fajita, opening this much-overdue chapter?

TT: 'You lookin' at somethin'? 'Cos you better be.'

Dayum girl. 

TT: 'You fine?'

You fine.

Her mother (who it should be noted, is also smoking hot consumable, but a chili pepper not a fajita because chili peppers are red) has just finished her L.T.W. by herself in the dark...

...and has moved onto her skill challenges, which will hopefully, not give her some form of brain cancer.

TT: 'Hey uh, Crush?'

Crush: 'Mm?'

TT: 'Why is it that this punk drivin' us around, never gets a DUI?'

Crush: 'Same reason so many people die from house fires around here, sister.'

TT: 'Ohh... eh.'



Greyfriars Bobby: 'I wait patiently for my master, whom was a student at this very school, until he took a bus to the head.'



GF: 'Alas, it seems I will suffer the same cruel fate. Goodbye, cruel world.'



GF: 'But before I go; one last butt sniff. And it will the greatest butt sniff of them all.'

;_;

Just kidding. He survived, and proceeded to run adorably down the street.

Dusk, however, was not so lucky.

Juliet: '...white people.'

Anonymous Boyband Member: 'BABY YOU LIGHT UP MY WORLD LIKE-'

Dusk: 'OH GOD OH GOD HOW DO I TURN IT OFF?!'

When in doubt, employ prepubescent scare tactics.

And yet, it cannot be said her husband was doing any better.

Moses: 'BOO HOO HOO, I'M STUCK IN A FLOWERBED.'

Second-dumbest vampire couple EVER.

Not wanting to disappoint his parents, Snooki then proceeds to soil himself in the kitchen .

Snooki: 'Is Mummy watching? Did she see?' *dislocates eyeball* 

I hope you have all had your fill of failure for today.

TT: 'Hey, uh, Mum. What's with the dead guy on our table again?'

Dusk: 'Oh dear God, please don't say the gumball machine is broken again. I don't think I could take another broken appliance - why are your pants soaking wet, Snooki?!'

Snooki: 'Mama love me now?'

TT: 'Just uh, really losin' my appetite for bodily fluids over here.'

Crush: 'Leave it to me! With my absolute total of zero Handiness skill points, this'll be fixed in no time!' *pokes at random with screwdriver*

Snooki: 'Stop it sis! Your shitty DIY job is messing with the physical dimensions! Mum, tell her to stop. Mum?'

Crush: 'Shut up penisbreath, Mum is out workin' the clubs for money like she does every night, and there's nothing you can do to stop me messing with the realms of spacetime.'

Snooki: 'Mum...?'

Dusk: 'Ha, dis bitch.'

To be fair, she's playing guitar for money and skill challenges, but it's a pretty seedy place, because if this isn't one of the most perverted things I've seen in-game (or anywhere, really) then I don't know...

Reuben Littler: 'So baby, think we can induce labour?'

Can't say he's not determined, though. Crashing through a window and grabbing her crotch is how you do it, boys. 

Fabian: 'So not cool, man. I fully disapprove of my grandson and his autonomous attempt to achieve something for himself in life.'

Snooki: 'Please Granddad, I really can't concentrate with you making angry ghost noises in my ear.'

Fabian: 'Boo! Down with homework, man! Save the trees! Capitalist scum!'

Snooki: 'Please, Granddad. I just want to graduate.'

Fabian: 'Dude, you wanna graduate? What'cha gonna do with a fancy diploma anyway? No one's like, gonna  hire a kid called 'Snooki' anyway.'

Fabian: 'Whatever my daughter was smoking when she named you, I need to get some of it alone.'

Anais: 'Fabian, leave our stupid grandkids be. If he wants to do his homework, let him. Spares just don't learn, until they're living with nine other people, knocked up to the first old man they meet. It's all for naught.'

Fabian: 'Whatever, babe. I'm going to stand here and wave my crotch in his face because YODO.'

Anais: 'Yes, and it's for eternity, you old douchebag.'

Snooki: 'Granny! Hug?'

Anais: 'Ugh, get it off! Help me, Fabian.'

Fabian: 'See babe, this it what happens when you're nice to it.' *glides through wall*

Snooki: 'Hug...?'

Anais: 'Back I say, back!'

Snooki: 'Oh Granny, I still idolise you. I'm sorry if I annoyed you, I... I just wanted to hug you.'

Anais: 'It's okay son, we can both love me. Just you from a distance.'

TT: 'Hey uh, Crush. Who's this creeper you dragged in from the street and what's he doin' in your room? I don't like the look of that thought bubble, mister.'

Adoption Agent: 'Mm, yes. I'd cover you in spices, my pumpkin pie...'

TT: 'Yup, I'm outta here.'

Crush: 'TT! You'll never guess what's outside.'

TT: 'It's gotta be better than what you brought inside, sis.'

Adoption Agent: 'Hm, I'm alone in a young girl's room. Now... what to do?'

Crush: 'It's a cat.'

Cat: 'It's a cat, alright.'

This cat shall henceforth be known as Fuckiforgot until the next time I access this save file.

Crush: 'Now, to mark this cat as mine.'

Crush: 'My arms... my arms are out of control.'

Crush: 'THEY WON'T STOP DOING THIS.'

Crush: 'YOU MUST CALL AN AMBULANCE. OR, IF FAIL THAT... MY MUMMY.'

The next day, Crush called the adoption agent over again, begetting all creepiness in an attempt to cure the endless void within her, of which could only be filled by cats and more cats.

Moses: 'Hello, um, didn't we meet yesterday when you were um, sniffing my daughter's underwear?'

Adoption Agent: 'Yep. You should probably know that she's trading sexual favours for cats.'

Moses: 'G-good to meet you.'

This cat is... Fuckiforgot 2.0.

Cat: 'Seriously?'

Yes. And she will bring us little red cat bbies.

See. They are getting on so well already.

Fuckiforgot 2.0: *bitch slap*

Dusk: 'Snooki, I don't want to hear your excuses. If I'm not burning out here, it's too late for you to be out. Goodness knows what you've been doing at these hours.'

Snooki: 'I just stayed behind to play hopscotch with some six-year-olds. They were nice to me.' ;_;

Dusk: 'Get out of my sight.'

Snooki: 'They liked me, those little girls. I told them about being a ninja and they believed me.'

Dusk: 'Who's the slickest, most assertive mother? You are. Yes you.'

TT: 'DON'T FOLLOW ME, BITCH.'

I just realised how many shots I have of the Hexes just in the kitchen. I really need to get this family out more.

Snooki: 'Mum, why do we have to eat this crap?'

Dusk: 'Because your father and I don't have to. Blood is delicious, you know.'

Snooki: *CHOKE*

Dusk: 'Here, try some.'

Snooki: 'DON'T WANNA.'

Meanwhile, the Cat Lover trait has really not lent Crush any luck. But seriously, who in hell can successfully give a cat a bath?

Cat: 'GET THAT SHIT OUTTA HERE, WOMAN.'

Cat: 'INVISIBLE BIKE AWAY!'

Crush: 'Ouch, JESUS.'

Cat: 'Bitches best know their place. I'm out.'

Whatever. I'll have to find someone else to befriend the cats anyway, because...

Sparehood approaches!

(Yeah, well she was pretty much a Moses clone anyway...)

Crush: 'I can just feel the impending maturity and responsibility.'

Snooki: 'Maturity and responsibility! Have a honk for that, sis!'

Snooki: 'And boobs, have a honk for those too! No, two honks!'

So much to celebrate.

Crush: 'This muumuu is perfect. I am so ready to be housebound for the rest of my life.'

God bless.

And here is her portrait. Annoyingly, it's got half of Dusk's in the background, but we're not fussy so whatever.

Crush: 'Sayounara. The next time you see me, I'll have lost a leg to diabetes.'

Actually, it'll be next chapter. Which will be longer, I promise. I'm sorry this was crap.